Fear, pain and humiliation

by | Feb 28, 2007

This is the feedback I received from the amazing session I did on Saturday 🙂 I think my sub puts it better than I could… overall it was many many hours of slowing and methodically breaking him down – happy sigh

Obviously this sort of session isn’t something that I would do with anyone – we’ve got a very good basis of trust and have played at an intense level before – this was in fact our second extended session together…

Firstly, *now* I’m sore all over – I think when you asked I was still a
bit high on endorphins 🙂 .. Even my knees are sore from kneeling at the

Anyway, the session was wonderful! Thank you so much! I asked to be
pushed beyond breaking and you delivered a wonderfully brutal and
terrifying experience!

Some things I reflected on during my mostly sleepless night that you
might be interested in:

* Being pissed on and left there, especially after it cooled, was an
extraordinally dehumanising experience. It wasn’t just lying in it, but
having drops run down from my hair across my face and just having to lay
there and accept it. I was surprised at my reaction, as I mentioned
humiliation is very close to being a hard limit for me, but I think it
worked because it was more dehumanising than humiliating and your
obvious delight at the whole thing made it work. I accepted it pretty
much straight away and then just went along with the experience. Not
having any music on was also an important aspect, it just left me with
my thoughts. Pissing on my face and spitting on me made the experience
complete – I just don’t really have the vocabulary to describe it.

* The hood – especially when wearing it for such a long time – is just
awful. From going into the cage for the first time, then onto the horse,
then back into the cage, then into the upright cage, then Mistress Birch
and then finally into the cell – it built up and it was such a relief
when you finally took it off. Naturally I was horrified when you put it
back on and wanted it off the whole time.

* There were three key moments that pushed the session beyond the point
of feeling broken, which is what I was really after.

The first was just before the caning. I had a rest in the cell, even the
fiddle wasn’t *too* bad since that time I was able to lean it against
the horizontal bars and onto the floor so I should’ve been OK, but when
you took me to the bench I of course knew it was time for a caning and
started breaking down. I guess that’s the nature of being in that state
– I immediately imagined dozens of cane strokes instead of taking it one
bit at a time and started to fall apart. That’s when you told me to pull
myself together. Unconvinced that I would be able to, I still made the
effort and pulled through.

The second one was being in the upright cage for the last time in that
horrible position, utterly out of strength, and given the “choice” of
staying or coming out for more beating. Of course I knew that choosing
to stay would just mean more agony in the cage before the subsequent
beating, but it was still really hard to agree, I so desperately wanted
to avoid the beating it took a bit of effort to finally accept that
there was no way out.

Finally there was the time when I called mercy on the single tail and
you just left me to hang there. By this point “desperate” doesn’t even
begin to describe how badly I wanted out. Interestingly after I accepted
my fate I did manage to suck up one last final scrap of determination. I
didn’t think for a second that you’d stop after I dropped and I actually
remember thinking something that amounted to “Should I safeword? Nah, I
can’t stand up but I’m sure I can take one more, then I’ll think about
it again”.

* Piercing was once again such a wonderful way to end, it smoothed off
the harsh edge and gently brought me back to earth on a nice cloud of
endorphins.. ahhh.. 🙂

* I know that you like it, but for me the extra formality just doesn’t
work – it just feels contrived – I don’t feel that genuine adoration and
devotion that so many subs seem to when they address you as Mistress nor
do I feel the pride and satisfaction that I often think subs feel when
addressed as slave. It reminds me of Midori’s Kink Outside the Box
workshop, describing a negotiation between a dom and a masochist – “Ok
fine, I’ll call you sir but I won’t *mean* it”. 🙂

The last comment refers to the “yes Mistress, no Mistress” style of interaction – which we played with a bit more this time – which while it’s something that I like as a gesture of respect – at the end of the day when there is so much fear, pain and humiliation I’m happy to forgoe the formalities! Also it was his first introduction to golden showers – usually I’m all nicey nice and erotic for that sort of experience – but I really just wanted to leave him tied face down in a puddle… sigh – lucky for me I get what I want so often!

In other news it must be that time of the year – I had an overnight session last night too! I’ll have to report back on that one – though it was more a gentle bonding experience for me and ozibootslave as he’s about to move overseas and we just needed to hang out rather than put him through a “tour de force de pain” as my massage therapist used to put it!