Negotiation, submission and what you *didn’t* ask for…

I've had this post rolling around in my mind for a few weeks and have finally decided to sit down and see if the ideas make sense. My bestie Mistress Wynter of New York has long had the tagline "You know what you want, I know what you need" – and this is the basic theme of what I'm thinking about. Or as the headline says, negotiation, submission and what you *didn't* ask for!

A lot of the time professional sessions can be very focused on what the client has requested – in some ways this seems like it should be self evident – of course he's the one paying! But for those with either a submissive mindset, or an interest in new and exciting activities this kind of session can get boring quite quickly. That is where a Mistress who is experienced and enjoys introducing people to new experiences is able to expand horizons. I often get asked "do many people ask for x activity" – and my reply is generally it doesn't matter if they ask for it or not!

Obviously I don't want to transgress boundaries – and this is why face to face negotiation before the session is so important for me. If someone emails me a list of likes and dislikes that can be a good starting point – but my personal skill is in reading people, and putting together a mental map of their hot and cold areas that leaves me with a good idea of the unexplored territory in the middle where it's super fun to play… Also it can sometimes help to know why something is a hard limit – if it's from a previous bad experience, a phobia or just something that they don't like the idea of. Electro play is a good example – occasionally someone may have it as a limit because they're imagining that it's like receiving an electric shock (which can be the case with some toys), but when they learn that the different settings on the ErosTek are a totally different type of stimulation that is often more erotic than purely painful they're more interested in trying it out (at a light level to start of course).

Negotiation can be a difficult process – very few people are used to sitting down and casually discussing their darkest desires! Well – apart from me – I've been discussing them for many years now and the one thing that I've learned is that "everyone is different" but also "everyone is the same". Some hints for negotiation – keep things quite general – you don't usually need to mention specific toys or equipment unless they're a particular favourite. Also it's not really good manners to go into too much detail of other sessions, particularly talking too much about other ladies you've seen and the specific things they've done… The most important things for us to know are what are your "must haves" – the key focus of the session; and your "absolute noes" – also known as hard limits. I recommend not putting things you don't like the idea of on your hard list however – very often something you thought you wouldn't like can turn out to be a favourite activity! Particularly if you've seen it in a video and it didn't "turn you on" – real life is so very different and what looked hot might not be half as exciting as what you thought wasn't for you.

Once the session starts – this is where the negotiation ends and you submit to *my* desires!

And that is what I need to get from the session – submission, openness and trust – I'm not going to push too far outside your range of interests – I won't introduce a pretty sissymaid to heavy corporal for example, but perhaps some damsel-in-distress style bondage would be a good addition to the existing play… But I do need to know that you've ceded control and are willing to let me use you to explore my desires as well as your own. Of course in a first session the trust isn't as strong as it is with people I've been playing with for a long time – but I love to watch it build – as the submissive realises I know when he's struggling with an activity and will back off to either change direction or sometimes even build the intensity further depending on our connection and the energy of the session.

I often get the nicest thank you emails and text messages after session and a common theme is "I had never thought of trying x but it was great". This was a recent note from someone who came in for an extended overnight session…